Translated resources
This page is available in 11 community languages.
Please note: the information on these translated pages is not an exact translation of this page.?
Key points
- Behaviour is a form of communication. Young children often express feelings through their behaviour because they do not yet have the words or skills to manage them in other ways.
- Children learn about their emotions through relationships and by watching others they trust.
- Acknowledging a child’s efforts and building on their strengths will boost their confidence, foster connection, and encourage positive behaviours.
- Clear and consistent boundaries help children understand expectations.
- Young children need support to calm down when they are distressed. Comfort, connection, and gentle redirection can help them feel safe and learn how to manage strong emotions over time.
- Physical discipline, shouting at, or isolating a child can be harmful.
- If you are worried that your child’s behaviour is intense, ongoing, or affecting their daily life, speak with their doctor or another health professional.
Understanding feelings and behaviours in toddlers and young children
Expressing feelings through behaviour is a normal part of early childhood development. Toddlers and young children experience a wide range of emotions, often very strongly. These strong emotions are sometimes described as ‘big feelings.’
At the same time, their brains are still learning the skills they need to manage feelings, wait, share, and cope with frustration. That is why they may show their emotions through their behaviour.
Over time and with support, children begin to develop skills like recognising and understanding their feelings, expressing themselves with words, coping with challenges, and managing emotions.
What causes big feelings and behaviours in young children?
Young children are still developing the parts of the brain that help them to:
- Manage strong emotions and calm themselves down
- Pause and make sense of what is happening before they act
- Understand their own feelings and other people’s perspectives
- Share how they feel in words.
While their skills are developing, children often use behaviour to communicate a need or emotion. For example, if your child refuses to do what you ask and says ‘no’ repeatedly, they may be feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or wanting more control. In
these moments, your child is not being ‘naughty.’ Their brain is in a state where it is hard to listen, think clearly, or follow instructions. They need support to feel safe before they can learn.
Many factors can contribute to big feelings and behaviours, including:
- Strong emotions, such as frustration, worry, or disappointment
- Tiredness or hunger
- Sickness
- Feeling overwhelmed by their surroundings, such as bright lights, loud sounds or busy spaces
- Changes to their routine or environment, such as moving house or starting childcare
- Needing connection, comfort or reassurance
- Differences in how they experience the world.
Sometimes, ongoing challenging behaviours may be a sign of underlying social, emotional, or developmental needs. If you are worried, it can be helpful to speak with your child's doctor or another health professional.
Helping young children manage big feelings
As children grow, they slowly learn to understand more about what behaviours you expect and get better at managing their feelings. There are many great ways to guide your child through this process.
Connect and co-regulate
When your child is upset, focus on being with them in the moment before trying to change their behaviour. Feeling seen and understood will help your child feel safe and start to settle.
You can:
- Get down to your child’s eye level
- Speak in a calm, steady voice
- Stay close and present – try not to go on your phone or get distracted by your surroundings
- Name what you notice
- For example, you could tell them: ‘That was really hard. I can see that you are feeling upset.’
This process is sometimes called co-regulation. It is a key way that children learn to manage their feelings over time.
Set regular routines
Routines may help your child feel more secure, less frustrated, and ready for what is ahead.
- Keep routines simple and predictable.
- You could create a visual routine with pictures for things like getting dressed, brushing teeth, or bedtime.
- Prepare your child for changes, where possible.
- This could mean explaining what is going to happen and answering any questions they have.
- Give gentle reminders before transitions.
- For example, tell them they have a few minutes before they have to pack up their game.
Build on their strengths
It is not helpful to pressure your child into behaving a certain way. Instead, guide your child through big feelings by building on the strengths they already have.
- Use encouraging language.
- For example, you could say: ‘We can take turns,’ or ‘You are still learning, I am here to help.’
- Stay with your child during hard moments.
- Show your child what to do, rather than just telling them what not to do.
- You can model the behaviours yourself, use simple words, or gently prompt them to practice.
- For example, if your child is upset and struggling to calm down, you could say: ‘Let's put our hands in our lap and take a big breath together.’ Then, take a breath yourself to show them what that looks like.
- Pay attention to things your child finds easier, and use them to shape other behaviours.
- For example, if they find it hard to wait but are good at following routines, try to create a new one. You could say: ‘Waiting is hard. Let's use a timer, like we do at pack-up time.’
- Acknowledge your child’s efforts, not just the outcomes.
- This will help them feel capable and supported while they are still learning new skills.
- You could say things like: ‘Great job. That was tricky, and you kept trying,’ or ‘You were upset, but you used your words to tell me. Well done!’
Encourage positive behaviours
Children develop positive behaviours through connection, encouragement, and lots of practice. The strategies below can help support your child as they learn.
- Draw attention to the behaviours you want to see.
- Tell your child when they are doing well – even in small ways. This teaches them which behaviours are helpful and boosts their confidence.
- Try to be specific. For example, along with saying ‘well done’ you could say things like: ‘You used gentle hands,’ ‘You packed away your toys when I asked,’ or ‘You were frustrated, but you kept trying.’
- Give simple words of encouragement. Young children often respond well to warm praise, right after something happens.
- For example, you could say: ‘You are being so helpful.’
- Be a role model for your child. This means acting the way you want your child to act – especially when things go wrong.
- For example, if you are having a challenging moment, you could say: ‘I am feeling frustrated, so I am going to take a deep breath.’
- Use behaviour reward systems if suitable.
- Simple reward systems can encourage specific behaviours in some older toddlers and preschoolers, such as getting ready in the morning.
- For example, give your child a sticker each time they complete part of the routine, and after a few stickers, let them choose a small reward or special activity to do.
- Reward systems work best when they are:
- Easy to follow
- Used for one or two specific behaviours
- Combined with praise and encouragement
- Not the main way of managing behaviour.
It is important not to take back or threaten to take back rewards after you have given them. This makes it hard for your child to trust the reward system, so it is less likely to work.
Managing behaviours that feel challenging
Every family has different expectations, but some behaviours can feel particularly hard to manage, including:
- Big emotional outbursts (tantrums)
- Hurting other people, such as hitting, biting, or kicking
- Defiance, such as refusing to do something or saying ‘no’
- Fussiness, such as refusing to eat certain foods or wear certain clothes
- Strong reactions when they do not get their own way, such as anger or frustration.
These behaviours are all common in toddlers and young children – especially when they are overwhelmed and need support.
Set clear boundaries
Children need boundaries to feel safe. Boundaries help them understand what is expected of them and what will happen next
- Set clear, age-appropriate boundaries, and explain them using simple language your child can understand.
- For example, if they are hitting their sibling, you could say: ‘I will not let you hit. Hitting hurts. I am going to help you move away.’
- Try to respond consistently when your child pushes the boundaries, so they know what to expect.
- It is okay to adjust boundaries as your child grows or situations change.
- Focus on teaching and guiding your child, rather than correcting or punishing them.
- Young children are still learning how to manage their feelings and behaviour. They need adults to stay calm and show them what to do instead.
- For example, if your child throws a toy, you could say: ‘I will not let you throw that. Let's put it down gently,’ and show them how.
Support your child through big feelings
When young children are overwhelmed, they cannot manage their feelings on their own. They need support from a composed and calm adult.
- Give your child a short break from the situation that has caused them distress. A quiet space or a change of environment may help.
- Stay with them during the break.
- Speak with a calm and steady voice.
- Focus on making your child feel safe and settled.
- You could talk them through taking deep breaths in through their nose and out through their mouth.
- Keep the break short. The goal is to support your child through their feelings, not to isolate them.
Why harsh discipline can be harmful
Children learn and grow best when they feel secure, supported, and understood.
Styles of discipline involving physical force, fear or shame can increase a child’s distress and make it harder for them to learn new skills.
Physical discipline
Physical discipline is any response to a child’s behaviour that causes them physical pain or discomfort. It includes smacking, hitting, spanking, slapping, pinching or pulling.
Many studies have found that physical discipline can have long-lasting negative effects on a child. It may:
- Make them more fearful and emotionally overwhelm them
- Lower their self-esteem
- Cause more challenging behaviours over time
- Impact their sense of safety and connection to others
- Affect how they learn to understand and manage their feelings
- Strain the relationship between the child and parent.
If there is violence or aggression in your family, you feel unsafe, or you or your child are at immediate risk of harm, call emergency services (000).
When to seek professional support
You may wish to seek more support if:
- Your child is often very distressed
- Your child’s behaviours are intense, frequent or getting worse
- Your child’s behaviours are impacting their daily life
- You are feeling overwhelmed as a parent.
It is best to start by speaking with your child’s doctor. They may refer you to a specialist in paediatrics or mental health who can better understand your child's needs and how to support them.
Common questions about managing big feelings and behaviours in toddlers and young children
What effect can screen time have on my child’s behaviour?
Screens are a common part of family life; they can be enjoyable and engaging for young children. At the same time, very young children learn best through real-life experiences, relationships, and play. Too much screen time can make it harder for
children to settle – especially around bedtime. It may also reduce chances for physical activity and can impact attention and early communication skills over time. Some children may become more unsettled with screens or have trouble adjusting
when you take the screen away.
Current global guidelines suggest children under two years do not spend time on screens other than to video chat with family and friends.
Is it bad to shout at my child?
Shouting or yelling may feel like a natural response if you are frustrated. However, studies have found that repeated shouting at children can have similar harmful effects to physical discipline.
Being shouted at – especially by someone much larger than them – is very stressful for a child. Shouting will not improve their behaviour, and it can lead to more behavioural problems in future.
If you do lose patience and shout at your child, it is important to reconnect with them when you are both calm again. This could be through hugs or playing together. If your child is old enough, it can help to name your feelings. This process
reassures your child that your relationship is safe.
I am worried my child is hurting themselves when they have tantrums. What can I do?
It can be very distressing to see your child hurt themselves during big emotional moments. When this happens, it is usually a sign that your child is feeling overwhelmed and does not yet have the skills to manage their feelings safely. Your role
is to keep your child safe and supported. Try to stay close to them and remain calm, gently moving objects that could cause harm. Use simple, reassuring language, such as ‘I am here, and I will keep you safe.’ If needed, gently hold them or
block movements to stop them from injuring themselves. Some children like having a space to move their bodies, such as a soft mat or cushions.
After the moment has passed, you can gently help your child make sense of what happened and, over time, build safer ways of expressing big feelings. If your child often hurts themselves, or you are not sure how to manage these moments, it is important
to seek extra support from your child’s doctor or a mental health specialist, such as a psychologist.
How do I know if my child’s behaviour is due to ADHD?
Many young children have short attention spans, high energy and moments of acting without thinking. These behaviours are very common in toddlers and preschool-aged children, but only a small number of children
have ADHD. An ADHD diagnosis is usually only considered when a child has ongoing troubles with attention, activity levels that are noticeably greater than expected for their age, and often acts without thinking. These behaviours usually happen across
different settings and affect daily life.
If you are worried that your child’s behaviour seems more intense, ongoing or is making everyday life harder, speak with their doctor about your concerns.
This podcast is also available in audio format below, and on and
.
For more information
Developed by 大象视频 Psychology department. We acknowledge the input of RCH consumers and carers.
Reviewed May 2026
Please always seek the most recent advice from a registered and practising clinician.